You Just Never Know

When I was a kid–I had to be about 7-8–I was watching a drama on television.  I don’t recall if it was a movie or a weekly show, but this one scene has stayed with me ever since.   The main character was this woman who was in a wheelchair.  She was crying because she used to be a dancer and now she was paralyzed.  It was one of those extreme “Why me?” melodramatic moments that, even as a kid, I thought was over the top.  Distraught, she decided to end it all.  She pulled out a ginormous pair of scissors and stabbed herself in the abdomen.  She fell out of the wheelchair and, still conscious and bleeding to death, her legs started to move.*

Uh oh.

It was a powerful moment and it hasn’t lost its potency.  I’ve gone through some rough spots in my life–as have we all–and eventually this scene would bubble to the top of my thoughts and give me pause to think.  Keep going.  Don’t throw in the chips yet.  I think it’s kind of helped me get through all of this cancer mishegoss.  I mean, I don’t live in some kind of “maybe they’ll find a cure” denial phase, but I just figure I take it one day at a time and enjoy what I have now.  I’m not all that concerned about cures and living forever because there isn’t one and we won’t, so enjoy the moment.  Seems like a good all-around philosophy on a good day, right?

After an October and November where I faced some pretty extreme pain, a compromised professional life, and a dip in my overall quality of life, I’ve now turned a corner.  My lower back now gets fatigued at the end of the day, but I don’t have extreme pain anymore.  I need the cane less and less–usually at the end of the day.  And I’ve started back at the office on a temporary half-time basis–fingers crossed full-time in January.  But it’s a bittersweet feeling.

As my oncologist explained, I’m in chronic disease land now.  There will be times when I do really well, and there will be times when I’m not doing so well.  I find myself coming out of this valley with a real suspicion about feeling better.  How long will it last?  Will it continue to improve for months and months?  Or will I get shut down without notice?  Is it okay to tell my colleagues that they can depend on me again?  Can my friends and family depend on me?  Or what about me?  Can I depend on me?

captureUncertainty has reached a whole new level.  But then again, when were any of our lives ever certain?   It just takes something awful in your life–a sick child, a deadly disease, losing someone close to you–that just makes you more aware of it.  No more was that E.L. Doctorow quote more meaningful: “It’s like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

The entire world population lives uncertain lives.  What’s going to happen tomorrow?

You just never know.

*And if anyone has any idea what movie or television show that was back in the mid to late 1960s, I’d love to find out!

This entry was posted in My Stage IV Life, Stage IV Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to You Just Never Know

  1. I really enjoy reading your plucked from the cleavage bits. Have you had the nerve block yet? ~Catherine

    • Scorchy says:

      Thanks so much! Actually, I had it on Wednesday and I am markedly improved. Not 100% just yet, but normalcy is coming back!! It usually takes 24-26 hours, but boy does it feel good already. Thanks for checking up on me. xoxoxo

  2. MBS says:

    May your good days be many! And who would have thought anyone would get an important life lesson from such a campy TV show? Wish I could help you out with the title.

  3. Bean says:

    I love that quote and will be putting it on the board at work today. But I must say, why would a 7-8 yr.old watch a show like that? My girls would have nightmares. Gosh, I would have nightmares. No wonder that stuck with you. Lol.
    Im very familiar with “chronic” and think though that your body will adapt to living as you know it now. Its amazing what we can go through and come out of. You will be working 70 hour weeks again before you know it.

  4. Marie says:

    “Uncertainty has reached a whole new level. But then again, when were any of our lives ever certain?” I read a lot of books by Buddhists. One of my favorites is “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chödrön. You would like it, I think, because you grocked it right there. It’s a daily reminder for us all. Thanks.

  5. oh, scorchy, i am so glad you are feeling better and able to do more that pleases you. i love that this post is sort of a companion to all of our musings from time to time about the unknowns. it is what it is, but it’s also comforting to know that you, too, travel in circles in your mind and write so beautifully about it. i will be for BELIEVING that things improve even more for you.

    love, XOXO,

    karen, TC

  6. dglassme says:

    Hang in there Sarcastic Boob, no pun intended. Keep your head up, keep looking for the good…

  7. I’m glad you are feeling better and hoping it lasts for a very long time 🙂

    *sounds like an episode of Twilight Zone or some other series like that.

  8. You write so well, full of potency and reality, the quote at the end is very apt for all of us

Enter the Fray

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s