Hallmark: The Dark Side

Well, we can all rest easy.  Apparently Hallmark has begun to recognize the hospice card niche.  I wasn’t aware that there was a need for specific cards to address the end of one’s life or their caregivers.  But in this age of tailor-made recognition I suppose it was inevitable.  I mean, it’s not like it’s a bad thing, but this has got to be the most awkward niche in the card biz.  Well, this and the “so you bought a dildo” niche.

I had not known, but there has been a petition circulating to help steer Hallmark to provide for the need of hospice cards.  Hallmark released a statement on its website on February 15.  “A number of people have recently shared with Hallmark a wish to have greeting cards that are appropriate to give to those who are seriously ill – for whom ‘get well’ unfortunately is not the right message – and the people who care for them.”  Hallmark says that it has over 100 selections available that can express words of support for people undergoing cancer treatment, grief support, rehab and recovery, and words of support for caregivers.  You can find them in the “Tough Times” section of your favorite Hallmark store.  (That’s in the statement.  I did not make that up.)

Some of the sentiments offered include

  • Cancer is tough, but you’re tougher
  • Illness can shake up your world in a way that little else can
  • Not every day has to be a strong day; Some days it’s okay to just be.
  • Caring thoughts are with you
  • Take care of yourself

Quite honestly, I don’t think any of these cards hit the mark for me.  Sensing a real need for brutally honest sentiments, I am thrilled to be able to introduce thesarcasticboob.com’s new “Parting Thoughts” line of cards.  These cards offer you the opportunity to say what you truly feel in the most passive-aggressive way.  Why wonder when you can address the elephants in the room?  I’ll be offering them in the “GFY” section of The Boob Store.


Hospital Bed

Silver Linings






My thanks to Claire, Holly, Bryon, and Elaine for their contributions.   That was one of the funniest–and darkest–Facebook threads ever.

This entry was posted in Just for Laughs, My Stage IV Life, Stage IV Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

65 Responses to Hallmark: The Dark Side

  1. keithw says:

    Them there is priceless, I don’t care who you are 😀

  2. Yes! Finally something about purple heart.

  3. Deborah says:

    Just Big love for you ♥ You make my soul happy. I have to have a sense of humor through my trial with my husband of 34 years being Stage IV. It is not an option to fall apart or cry all the time. Little things, like a blog tribute to him…then calling him a jerk for his Valentine stating “as long as HE lives”. I LOVE how you continue to become MORE YOU. Thank you for your gift. Sending you all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow. Deborah

  4. Liz says:

    Standing ovation here in Darwin, Scorchy!

  5. Lmao love the cards, my kind of suck humor!!! I would buy them.

  6. geez scorchy,

    what i wouldn’t give to have your mind. hallmark has always rubbed me the wrong way, but in a million years i couldn’t have thought of such a brilliantly funny spoof, even though as a nurse for many years, dark humor was always my friend. now it’s REALLY my friend! i can promise you this post will be one of the most re-read one you’ve ever written. you da bomb, girl!

    love, xoxo,

    karen, TC

  7. MBS says:

    Bwahahaha! Love them all.

  8. Susan says:

    Love this Scorchy. I laughed so hard! I thought of a few more.How about: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. There must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Lay lady lay…lay across your lovely hospital bed……

  9. Marie says:

    Brilliant, irreverent and shining, as you do so well. I second Diane’s comment:

    Guess what I’m trying to say is you’re so gifted at making people pause and look at things a little differently and sort of have a free pass to do so because you’re in it in a very literal sense not looking in from the outside, and your unwillingness to accept things at face value is the treasure you hold. You open doors to thoughts folks may have, difference is you’re putting your name on them. Sorry but, I have to say Bravo!!

  10. bethgainer says:

    Brilliantly funny. Thank you for the laugh. I wasn’t aware of Hallmark’s hospice line.

  11. juneaubugg (aka Jennifer) says:

    “Bye Bye” ROFLMAO…. I LOVE your ability to find the humor in the pain. That truly is RIDICULOUS… Let people bye a fucking BLANK CARD and write their own true and honest sentiment.

    My husbands 80 year old aunt was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer 2 months ago. She will not be seeking any treatment other then hospice care. At her age she isn’t putting herself through it, and having endured chemo (and yes endured is the exact right word for that experience) I wouldn’t want treatment again either.

    Anyway, I digress…. We sent her a holiday card a week after her diagnosis. My husband was uncomfortable, “do I just sign it like the others or do I acknowledge that this will be her last Christmas?”. I think his own pain and sadness at this thought made it harder for him to think about.

    The prior summer, whilst I was going through chemo he had visited her, and she had commented on how she admired me and how strong I was (I of course beg to differ… you just keep moving forward, because really what other choice do you have, right?), but she knew… that I knew…. I may not have been stage IV, I may have beaten this bitch in Round One, but that moment… when the Dr says, (and you hear) blah, blah, blah “cancer” (because who really remembers the rest of that sentence?)… I GET IT like no one else in the family gets it. And in THAT experience shared I knew what to write.

    So, I told him to just sign it like all the others. (He was going to see her in a few weeks and could say what was in his heart then). I then took the card and wrote on the inside… “Aunt Anne, … please know that we love you and that we are always here for you if you need anything.”

    It’s really just that simple right? That’s all that anyone could say to me – I love you and I’m here. The rest was in Gods hands.

    Thanks Scorchy for once again making me laugh in spite of it all.


    • Scorchy says:

      Jen, you’re so right. You get it. And it’s the simplest of sentiments–we love you and we’re here for you–that really mean something. And, for the record, you are strong and courageous. I remember when you didn’t want to go through with the rest of chemo and how you agonized over that–but you did it and you made it through the hell. That takes balls, baby. Many do it, but not everyone can. Remember that.

      Yeah, “Bye bye” makes me laugh out loud every time I see it!! BWAH!

  12. DrAttai says:

    I need a little advice – what I want (need) are the parting shot cards. BUT – I want to send them to a few people now – is that ok? Fabulous post as always.

  13. Lori says:

    LOVE IT! But I expected you to take a stab a marrying the hospice and dildo card… XOXOX

  14. estey4 says:

    I fucking love them!

    Sent from my iPod

  15. Thanks for the laugh. I so needed that! As for Hallmark’s cards: Really, do any of their cards hit the mark? That’s why I get blank ones and write my own.

  16. hermyleen says:

    i think people are asking for these cards because they don’t know what to say and they’d like someone else to write it for them. Personally I would hate to get these cards, maybe we should make up cards we send back instead of thank you cards….I love your made up cards though too funny.

    • Scorchy says:

      Yeah, I think there is probably a need. I wonder, though, how many folks would send them anyway. Sure, some would, but “So, you’re Dying . . . ” OMG! I would, well, die if I got one of these1 HA!

  17. Scorchy, those were hilarious. You ever elicit the tears that multi-task. Gallows humor can be a savior. Jack Handy would be proud of these cards, by the way.

  18. Cin says:

    That made me laugh, cough, and pee myself a little! Love, love ,love it….. I bet we could all come up with applicable cards to send out just electronically from the recently departed…. Departing Shots…. “I always wanted you to know…..” “I thought you were a real ass”. Or…. “I went to my grave….” “But was able to tell the police what you did when we were kids”.

  19. Another “Hallmark Holiday” … “Hospice” and “Waiting to Die” ….. Your cards are great… the “real” ones… I wouldn’t send any of those. NOT appropriate. And I wouldn’t like getting one either…..

    Rock on, Scorchy….


  20. I had not heard this about Hallmark. Guess they want to have all the bases covered. Your cards are real gems. You are a real gem. Great post.

  21. Mary says:

    Hilarious-your cards that is. That people wanted hallmark versions is sad, but it does say a bit about how some folks lack words; sorry, lack the ability to use words.

    • Scorchy says:

      I’ll bet people still won’t send cards after someone has died or as they are easing out of life (okay, as they are dying). Card or no–what the hell can you say?

  22. On a serious note….how gross is it that there is a movement to “hallmark” (new verb) someone’s final days?

    Hallmarking Hospice. That’s just…. sorta…. repugnant.

    I like your cards so much better.

  23. Oh my goodness! You make me laugh, and that’s the best sort of greeting. These are definitely cards that address the elephant in the room, no doubt. 🙂 ~Catherine

  24. The Accidental Amazon says:

    Bahahah!! I agree with Elaine, though. Definitely need a Parting Shots selection. How about one that says, “You know all that pink breast cancer crap you gave me? It’s been cremated.”

    BTW, I’d volunteer to be your art director.

  25. Smart blog entry! My hat is off to you…
    The “Bye Bye” card made me pee a little. I was reading on the pot with my ipad, so no need to worry. Hey, perhaps you didnt need to know that.
    I think a followup blog entry with examples of “dildo congrats” card is in order.

  26. Janet G says:

    Hysterical and brilliant. Just brilliant.

  27. Katie says:

    “bye bye” oh my gosh. I just died.

  28. dglassme says:

    Okay, I’ll buy the idea of new age tailor-made recognition but, do you have to be so conventional in your card photo selection? Where is the Star Wars in you? I need something a little more edgy. I get it, you’re sort of trying to capture close resemblance with the traditional card concepts thus you only changed the words, however since you’re trying to create your own new sarcastic line my request would be to see a little more eccentric look to the cards themselves. Maybe start with your Scorchy Death Star or just unidentifiable objects or the bugs one might see in heaven, or how the toilet will look up there (wonder where that sh!t goes), oh and if I end up in hell concepts of how hot it might be when I get there sort of like a weather forecast (so I know which days to expect heavy steam)? I like 3laine’s idea as well, ones from patient to, er, friends could be Parting Shots (sort of scary patients handing out departure cards like Christmas cards to everyone they know, maybe those should have flowery photos).

    Yes, so this does have a heavy dose of morbidity, yet what I’ll say is yesterday in chemo I was reading a friend’s blog that was poking fun at our apparent alien like looks as a result of chemo, and I was laughing out loud and smiling from ear-to-ear as I read it. The question then remains how well we do with this if it comes from a source not living in Cancertown? Yes, I get it this was just written to be funny but, I’m trying to help you land your dream job of writing sarcastic stuff and getting paid.

    • Scorchy says:

      Well, I’m a one-woman shop since I laid-off my art director and personal photographer. Edgy is expensive.

      • dglassme says:

        Scorchy, I do realize I’m leaving some very long comments, so sue me. Since reading this earlier today I’ve thought about it several times throughout the day, yes once again you have captivated my mind but, this is why: I knew when I saw it you were pressing the edge of what people might have tolerance for given the sacred ground of death, and the respect it should be paid – not questioning that one bit. However, I think the reason folks follow your blog is because you’re not afraid to express yourself and you do it in a very unique way, full bull and all out.

        The time you spent on putting these authentic master pieces together alone had to be therapeutic for you, and now seeing other’s comments there is no doubt for some you have sort of crossed a line but, for others it may have helped them think out loud in a sort of “out of the box” way about something most don’t want to talk about, or it is only talked about in a certain way – again not bucking that. None of us would ever conceive making fun of disabled or people who are struggling, etc.

        Guess what I’m trying to say is you’re so gifted at making people pause and look at things a little differently and sort of have a free pass to do so because you’re in it in a very literal sense not looking in from the outside, and your unwillingness to accept things at face value is the treasure you hold. You open doors to thoughts folks may have, difference is you’re putting your name on them. Sorry but, I have to say Bravo!!

      • Scorchy says:

        Crissakes! Start your own effing blog! HA! Thanks so much for your comments, Diane. I do appreciate it and I fervently hope that if it can, the blog helps or, at the very least, entertaining someone. If I weren’t writing it I would be a basket case.

        But free passes? Hell, gotta use ’em when you have ’em. Being stage iv sucks, gotta have some perks! And if you scroll down to “Bye bye” and don’t belly laugh, then you haven’t come to terms, man. The real cards creep me out. At least these are funny. I can’t imagine being in the end stages of this god awful shit storm and getting a card that reads “Cancer is tough, but your tougher.” >SHUDDER< This all started as a FB thread that had be howling. Making the cards was the best! OMG! My friend Holly envisioned "Bye bye." And I can't look at it without laughing uncontrollably.

  29. Caroline says:

    Humorous hospice cards? I am all for it.

  30. Knot Telling says:

    “Parting Shots” – I like it!

    Bravissima, Scorchy! Thanks for rushing in where sane people fear to tread. 😉

  31. The definition of dark humor. Though, i did like the hospital bed one….oh hell, they all made me laugh. Another though….ones from the patient to, er, friends could be Parting Shots. ;-). That thread should be immortalized, btw.

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