I know that my blog posts and Twitter activity have been minimal since august of 2013. It was a miserable year filled with tests, pain, and uncertainty. I think I have been distant because, in large measure, I just want to forget it. I wish I could forget it. In fact, I wish I had one of those easy breast cancers. You know, the ones where you get a lumpectomy and some radiation and you’re cured? I wish I had one of them.
I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be flippant. It’s just that all of a sudden people are wishing they had breast cancer and I wanted to get a sense of what cancer envy is like. But I can’t wrap my brain around that. I think if you’re stupid enough to wish you have breast cancer then, damn, it’s yours! And, in truth, I’m happy to hand it over.
Let me walk you through it all so you’ll know what’s coming. First you’ll get the tumor flare that kicks off a whole host of severe back pain. And, the docs will tell you that its receded, but guess what? The fucker comes back! Then there’s three months of agony, a month of weird anxiety, and then it finally dies. And then there’s a necrotic hole there or something? It was always a bit vague, but while that hole is healing up nicely with the aid of the monthly Xgeva shots you’ll need to get, then there are months of uncertainty where your boss is champing at the bit to find a way to get rid of you since you can’t quite make a full week for months. You struggle with bouts of sheer exhaustion, joint pain, and fear. Christ, sometimes you’ll wonder why you even bothered.
And I have it pretty damned easy as opposed to many of my sisters, so that a short term plus at least. Now along with that you’re going to have to consider the other bone metastasis. Oh, didn’t I tell you? I have metastatic breast cancer. I’m sorry if you didn’t know that, but a deal’s a deal. Looks like you’re going to die anyway.
Life is brutal like that. If you had any real sense you’d have done some serious research before jumping on the “Gimme Breast Cancer” wagon. There are a lot of different breast cancers: pre-cancers, full-blown staged cancers, positives, negatives, and ones that are inflamed, and then there are those that become metastatic breast cancer.
This is the one that will kill you. It depends though, you can have one that will kill you in short order, one that hangs around and then gets you, or you can win that very, very lucky lottery that only a tiny sliver of people have had–where a spot is radiated or cut out and you go on to live a healthy life. But don’t worry about that one. If you’re dumb enough to want breast cancer then karma is smart enough to make sure you bypass that tiny sliver so you can get to enjoy what most women do: medications, surgeries, financial hardship, loss of job, independence, and death.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Particularly when you are possessed with cancer envy and don’t bother to ask the right questions.